Communicating through Conflict

Project Summary

When I first started my project, I wanted to do something that helped other’s learn how to communicate. I started off by making little videos, with the do’s and don’ts, but I realized it wasn’t the right vehicle for my project. I then converted all the research and information I had written into a self help book! It is 67 pages, and it goes through the following: What is conflict, conflict styles, Gottman’s four horsemen, and my core four that I have held close to me throughout my education at BYUI.

Project Execution

I chose to write this book because of my own personal belief that life would be better if people knew how to communicate. I was raised in a non-communicative household and I saw the hardships of it firsthand. I was raised thinking this is how people acted. It wasn’t until I was at BYUI that I realized it wasn’t. You could have a conversation about a disagreement without yelling. You could place a boundary to protect yourself without being rude. This line of thinking was very new to me, and I absolutely loved it. As I learned more, I realized so many arguments and problems were due to miscommunication, or people not being able to communicate in the first place! My belief that the world would be a better place through communication was created through understanding that the only way to solve conflict was to talk about it.

Most of the information I pulled comes from the Thomas-Killman model and John Gottman’s horsemen of the apocalypse. I believe when you know what conflict style you are, it is easier to combat unhealthy communication habits. I also think it is so important to understand the horsemen when in conflict, so you can also avoid them. Avoiding them for yourself is important, but I would also note I believe that being able to spot others conflict style and the horsemen will help you understand what the real problem is and how to fix it. If I know you’re an avoidant, I will know to approach the situation differently. For these reasons, each conflict style and horsemen has the following model. I introduce what it is and what it looks like. Then I give advice for the person exhibiting these negative habits, and then advice for those whose partners, friends, family, or coworkers are reacting in that form. This way I am able to help both sides of the spectrum.

I also wanted to highlight the four concepts I have learned that have changed my entire outlook on communicating. These are active listening, sine cera, boundaries, and validation. I believe by doing all of these things, we will be able to be a better communicator, help others communicate, and overall live a happier lifestyle.

Project Outcomes and Projection

The outcome I hope for this project is helping others realize that conflict is healthy. It is a good thing, and also inevitable in life. I want those who read it to be able to understand themselves better, to recognize how they handle conflict, and if they have any unfavorable habits, I want them to know how they can fix it. I feel the world around us has shunned communication, and has fed us lies that its better to “not rock the boat” and I want people to know that isn’t true. If someone is being treated badly, I want them to realize it is not okay, and there is a way to fix it.

My own outcome was understanding how passionate I am about not only communication itself, but helping others understand these principals. Having all my thoughts in one place will help me when I am faced with conflict. I am not perfect at it, and I will never be- but at least having these words in one place will help me remember everything I hold dear to my heart after I graduate. I am excited to give this to my family, and my future kids to hopefully aide them in understanding healthy communication.

Project Snippets

Here are a few snippets from my book!

Contempt page 51